What can philosophy teach us about modern love? Reflections from a Laurier researcher

Feb. 12, 2025

Philosophers have opined about romantic love for centuries, seeking to understand this intangible, intoxicating facet of the human experience. Gary Foster, an associate professor of Philosophy at Wilfrid Laurier University, believes there is much to learn from these diverse, and often divergent, perspectives.

Foster is interested in the relationships between romantic love and personal identity. His research draws on the work of influential philosophers, as well as the findings of sociologists, to explore how someone’s beloved can be both a separate human being and an integral part of their identity.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, Foster shares some reflections on the philosophy of love and identity, as captured in his latest book, Alienation and Identity in Romantic Love.

Humans want to feel ‘complete.’

“There is a notion in romanticism that as human beings, we feel incomplete. There are different ways for us to seek completeness, whether through our careers, religious faith or the pursuit of romantic love. The philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre says completion is an impossible ideal we’ll never achieve, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn about our identities through romantic love. The emotional and physical intensity of a committed relationship reveals a lot about one another, good and bad.”

It is important to maintain an individual identity, separate from a romantic partner.

“Some philosophers, like Marya Schechtman, think of identity as a narrative we tell about ourselves. It’s a useful way to think about love: two people with two identities come together to create a shared narrative. But that can’t be the whole story. Love enables people to reinforce and contribute to each other's identities, and it also brings the potential for mutual harm. You must retain a sense of who you are, independent of your relationship.”

Romantic love requires mutual vulnerability.

“It is risky to put yourself in a situation of reliance or dependence on someone else. You’re in a position of maximum vulnerability. But there’s the old cliché, ‘no risk, no reward.’ Love involves faith in another person. If someone wants to fully protect themselves and play it safe, then they shouldn’t enter that kind of intimate relationship.”

Online dating can create a false sense of intimacy.

“Unlike traditional dating, where you get to know a person over an extended period of time and things are revealed gradually, looking at an online dating profile reveals a lot of information about a person at once. The imagination uses this information to create a picture that the actual relationship may not have caught up to. When you actually meet the person, you can sometimes feel a false sense that you know them better than you actually do.”

We fall in love with an individual, not a set of ideals.

“Online dating profiles present someone’s identity in terms of characteristics and qualities and common likes, framing love as a response to a checklist. It breaks up the person's identity into parts rather than experiencing them as a whole person. You might think you are looking for virtuous qualities – ‘I want someone who is kind and loyal’ – but kindness and loyalty are embodied qualities. They are expressed differently by Susan than by Jane, Ralph or Larry. We think in ideals and ideals are useful, but they can also get in the way of romantic love. What we end up loving is not an ideal. We love a person with their flaws, their silliness and their crooked smile.”